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Holographic Repatterning Sessions^® for Connecting with Compassion

Mirror 4: Finding a Relational Style

Five Relational Styles: which are you in?

John Gottman, PhD has five relational styles which he has identified based upon how couples resolve their disagreements; three styles lead to successful marriages, two lead to dissolving relations:

	Avoidant
	Validating
	Volatile
	Hostile/Engaged
	Hostile/Disengaged

Through the first three mirrors, we have addressed the factors which pull relationships into the Hostile category. If the Four Horseman, the Marital Rapids, and the Cascade of Distance and Isolation had hallmarked your relationship, you may be noticing changes in your relations already. And, hopefully, by now you have moved away from a hostile relational style. Even those of you who have not had to greatly contend with these factors may be noticing changes as well!

When both people have the same style, whether it's avoidant, validating, or volatile, the union is usually quite successful. It's like two peas in a pod. They get along. They have the same agreement about how to deal with disagreement. Sometimes, however, because both partners adopt the same modus operandi, they can come up against problems they cannot solve.

Not surprisingly, when two people have different styles, the chance for discord is a bit higher. Not only is the conflict resolution different, the life approach is different. And while this may be ok in general, when 'important disagreements' come up, the differences can become crucial.

If you have a chance, you can pick up one of John Gottman's books and take the self-evaluations inside to determine exactly what your style is and what your partner's style is. While I find the evaluations very helpful, I also discovered that there isn't always a real clear delineation. Personally, I seem to be an equal-opportunity stylist!

In this session, we will optimize for the best and release whatever isn't working, regardless of which style it 'belongs' in.

There's no problems.... really....

Yes, you can stick your head in the sand, and it will be ok. Really. Especially if you both do the same thing.

While this flies in the face of 'the ideal marriage' concept, it's actually very successful. This works because both parties air their grievance and come to an agreement of some kind -- the agreement being that it's really not a big deal, that one will capitulate to the other, or that enough time will take care of it. Bonding works because both parties are committed to their basic shared relationship philosophy. (The idea comes first!) Both parties accentuate the positive and accept the rest.

The downside of this relational style is that if a really serious problem comes up, they probably haven't got the depth to deal with what's 'really' going on, and may not be able to get through it. Because neither party is looking deeply into the other, they may also experience a great deal of loneliness and disconnection. And if these hazards continue long enough, the relationship may come un-glued.

An interesting note: at www.divorce.com, they note that even in good marriages, there are usually ten areas in which couples have to agree to disagree. These areas are areas in which resolution seems impossible. So, even if you gravitate towards a validating or volatile relationship, you may find there are a few things which just will never change and coming to accept that is the better part of valor.

Intentions and Possibilities

If this sounds like you and your partner, is there anything you'd like to improve on?

As with all interactive areas in the series, you are welcome to submit statements which reflect your personal experience. When the session is being done, those statements which accurately reflect the energy of the group will be used anonymously, allowing us all to shift to greater harmony and unification.

Challenges and Growth Opportunities

If this sounds like you and your partner, is there anything that you would call a problem that you'd like to resolve or address?

I hear you; I see your point of view; I understand.

Though, of course, I may not agree. But that's not the point. After we've explored your side and my side, and maybe tried to persuade either other to switch sides, we'll find a solution that satisfies us both. Or at least one we can live with. The point is, I really value being part of 'us,' and I'll sacrifice me to keep it that way.

That's the validating relational style. It allows both parties to air their grievances and receive recognition and validation from the other partner. Then there is an interactive brainstorming session of some kind to explore possible solutions, followed by a mutual agreement about what to do.

The downside of these relationships is that individuality may suffer in favor of togetherness. The relationship takes precedence over the individual, so the individual may make sacrifices of their own growth to preserve the union.

Intentions and Possibilities

If this sounds familiar, what would you like to improve on?

Challenges and Growth Opportunities

Is there anything you would call a problem?

To the moon Alice, to the moon!

The volatile couple often looks and sounds like it's about to explode. Everything is A CRISES, it seems. And a BIG ONE. These folks do things in a big way. They are 'colorful' and nothing seems off limits. With great passion and gusto, they rush into everything. Everything. Theirs is the relationship of the roller coaster.

The downside? This can get very draining. And it can explode. Rather than ever empathizing with or understanding their partners, volatile couples move straight into negotiation -- with flair, too. If they get carried away, they may not make it to a resolution phase.

Valuing their individuality, they see each other as equals, honest and open with each other, they may go where no man has dared to go before - and regret it! Constantly dancing to the edge of disaster and back, they need to be mindful of their step.

Intentions and Possibilities

If this sounds like you or your mate, what would you like to have?

Challenges and Growth Opportunities

If this sounds like you or your mate, what would you just as soon not have?

Mismatches

If you and your partner fall into different categories, both of you will probably feel it. The avoidant person will feel overwhelmed by the validating and volatile; the validating person will feel unheard and misunderstood by the avoidant and volatile; the volatile will feel like they're the only one who's really concerned about the real issue.

Intentions and Possibilities

	If you and your partner are mismatched, what's the best you can hope for in how your partner receives you?
	In how you receive your partner?

Challenges and Growth Opportunities

	What kinds of problems can you relate to? Are you overwhelmed? under-whelmed? Misunderstood?
	What is your partners complaint about you? Are you too 'spicy,' getting 'worked up about everything?' Or do you 'blow things off' too much? Or are you analyzing things to death?

Holographic Repatterning® by Chloe Faith Wordsworth

Updated 02/17/2009