Holographic Repatterning Sessions® for
Connecting with Compassion
Mirror 2: Negotiating the Marital Rapids
The Marital Rapids
Another concept John Gottman has identified In his book
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, are the Marital Rapids which carry couples further towards
separation. If the Four Horsemen have been present in your relationship,
you may also be aware of the characteristics of the Marital Rapids:
Innocent Victimization
Righteous Indignation
Flooding
Or, if you have not had the pleasure of hosting the four horseman, you
may still occasionally find yourself negotiating the marital rapids. If
you can relate, you're welcome to submit statements. If these concepts
seem a little bit foreign, you will still benefit from an enhanced coherence and
greater resonance within your self and your relations. In the last
section, we'll address repair mechanisms - those things which we do even in
heated argument which assure ourselves and our partners that all will be
ok.
If you could 'control' the other person, what would you have them do or be
like? ie would they show up for meetings on time? listen to your
needs? greet you with a smile?
What would you be like if your partner were behaving in an ideal
manner? What traits would you possess?
If you could voice what is making you feel victimized, what complaints
would you make in a positive, constructive way, that lets the other person
know how you're feeling?
What do you gain through 'innocent victimization' -- that you would like
to get without having to engage in this pattern?
As with all interactive areas in the series, you are welcome to submit statements which reflect your personal
experience. When the session is being done, those statements which
accurately reflect the energy of the group will be used anonymously, allowing us
all to shift to greater harmony and unification.
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
What change are you avoiding? What do you really hope will never
happen?
What current pattern are you trying to perpetuate?
What are you afraid of?
Righteous Indignation
If the innocent victim goes down without a whimper, righteous indignation
makes grievances known!
Are you always battling for your needs to be met? Are you always
taking the high road? Are you wearing your pain like a badge of martyrdom?
If so, then you are familiar with Righteous Indignation. (Or, maybe it's
your partner?)
Again, this pattern creeps in because there is a gain from it -- perhaps
some sense of moral superiority, perhaps a sense of space from the pain of
failure. Perhaps it's a feeling that to forgive your partner is to
condone your partner's behavior. Or perhaps you fear losing something
else. Whatever it is, it perpetuates the pattern which prevents true
communication from occurring.
Intentions and Possibilities
What are you always battling for? What is that you want to acheive?
If you partner were to concede, what would you have to concede?
What do you gain through 'righteous indignation' -- that you would like
to get without having to engage in this pattern?
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
What part of you really doesn't want this to succed? What's that
about?
What part of you do you have to let go in order to let go of your sense of
'righteous indignation?'
Flooding
This is an interesting sensation. The heart starts pounding, the face
flushes, the brain gets very noisy, and intelligent thoughts simply
disappear. All the well-meaning intentions fly right out the window.
Generally there is one overriding, overwhelming thought, and if it's not some
form of 'I'm leaving,' it's a form of 'I'll get you.'
It's the fight-flight mechanism.
And it turns out can happen quit a bit, even in a 'discussion.' Studies
have shown that men enter this flooding stage right at the on-set of anything
they perceive as 'criticism' -- criticism being an attack on their
personality. Women generally do not enter flooding until they perceive
contempt.
When flooding begins, a 'discussion' can quickly turn the bend and become
either a stand-off or an all-out fight. There is a very distinct
pattern that results in relationships that are in trouble. In healthy
relationships, partners will employ bonding measures which re-establish the 5:1
ratio of 'good' to 'bad' so that they can 'go to the edge' and not 'go over.'
Intentions and Possibilities
How aware of your partners flooding are you?
What would you like to be able to do when you see flooding in your
partner?
What would you like to be able to do when you experience flooding in
yourself?
What would you like your partner to do for you when you are feeling the
beginnings of flooding?
What would your partner like your to do for them?
As with all interactive areas in the series, you are welcome to submit statements which reflect your personal
experience. When the session is being done, those statements which
accurately reflect the energy of the group will be used anonymously, allowing us
all to shift to greater harmony and unification.
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
Do you ever ignore the signals that your partner is flooding?
When you know your partner is flooding, what do you do to make things
worse? Why do you do it?
When you flood, what is driving you? If you want to run, what is it
that you're running from? If you want to fight, what is it that you're
fighting?
Repair
Each relationship has the potential to develop and use their own unique
repair mechanisms. A repair mechanism is anything that re-establishes the
connection between partners in the 'heat of the battle.' It can be a physical
contact, eye contact, or verbal statements of stroking, reassurance or conciliation.
It's whatever lets the other person and yourself know that the two of you will
make it to the other side OK. When flooding has started, it's a way
to tone things down and get everything back on track. It's the life-vest
that will get you through the rapids should you get dumped into the water.
Intentions and Possibilities
Would you like to improve upon your use of repair mechanisms?
Are you receiving your partner's attempts to use repair mechanisms?
Is your partner receiving yours?
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
What is preventing you from employing repair mechanisms?
