Holographic Repatterning Sessions® for
Connecting with Compassion
Mirror 1: Unseating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Who are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
In his book
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman identifies four
characteristics of marriages that signal the marriage is beginning to
deteriorate. These four characteristics are:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Since these four characteristics impede communication and prevent the positive
from asserting itself in the relationship, our series will begin right away with
lessening their impact.
In your relationships you may find that the four horsemen rarely if ever
appear. If this is so, simply enjoy the benefits of releasing these
non-coherent patterns to an even greater degree. If, on the other hand,
the four horsemen are running roughshod through your life, take heart! We
are about to unseat them!
When you express displeasure, do you make a complaint?
In what areas of your life would you like to communicate your personal
reality (via a complaint) rather than rely on character assassination (via
criticism)?
As with all interactive areas in the series, you are welcome to submit statements which reflect your personal
experience. When the session is being done, those statements which
accurately reflect the energy of the group will be used anonymously, allowing us
all to shift to greater harmony and unification.
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
When do you fall (or have you fallen) into the trap of criticizing?
Is there a particular person with whom you interact in this pattern?
What payoff do you get when you are criticizing? IE Do you feel relieved,
justified, vindicated, excused from relating?
Whom have you witnessed criticizing from your childhood? What
characteristics did this person exhibit and what was the outcome of the criticism? Do
you have any of these characteristics?
Whom have you witnessed being criticized? What characteristics did
this person exhibit and what was the outcome of the criticism? Do you have
any of these characteristics?
Contempt
Contempt, perhaps somewhat self explanatory, often runs in on the heels of
criticism. While criticism isn't nearly the productive communication
tool we wish it were, it is often the one resorted to -- especially if it was
the primary communication method that was modeled for us.
When criticism fails to work, (and it always does,) we often become even less
enamored of our former dear one. As our ineffectiveness to bring about
the outcome we desire becomes more and more apparent, our partner bears an
ever increasing burden for us as contempt becomes more and more prominent. You can recognize contempt by the
undercurrent of hostility and the appearance of name-calling.
The antidote for contempt is respect and connection. By staying
connected, to ourselves and then to our partners, we are able to maintain our
humility and love. By providing a 5:1 ratio of positive strokes
and connecting measures to 'growth opportunities,' relationships stay
healthy and grow.
Intentions and Possibilities
How often do you express admiration for your partner? Is this received as
admiration by your partner?
Are you able to take in admiration from your partner?
How are you connecting with your partner in positive and restorative
ways? Or, how would you like to be?
Are there any situations you would like to get through without falling
prey to receiving or dispensing contempt?
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
When do you fall (or have you fallen) into the trap of contempt? How
is it triggered?
Is there a particular person with whom you interact in this pattern?
What payoff do you get when you are contemptuous? IE Do you feel relieved,
justified, vindicated, excused from relating?
Whom have you witnessed displaying contempt from your childhood?
What characteristics did this person exhibit and what was the outcome of the
display of contempt? Do you have any of these characteristics?
Whom have you witnessed on the receiving end of contempt? What
characteristics did this person exhibit and what was the outcome of the
interaction? Do you have any of these characteristics?
Defensiveness
If you're on the end of criticism and contempt, chances are, you've gotten a
bit defensive! And if, by chance, you're the one dishing out the criticism
and contempt, you're probably on the defensive as well.
When on the defensive, several unfortunate behaviors result. The
remedy: stay connected, listen well, realize that the intensity of you and your
partner's attacks indicates the depth of shared pain. Know that you will
make it through this.
Intentions and Possibilities
In what situations would you like to remain neutral, connected, and calm?
As with all interactive areas in the series, you are welcome to submit statements which reflect your personal
experience. When the session is being done, those statements which
accurately reflect the energy of the group will be used anonymously, allowing us
all to shift to greater harmony and unification.
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
What from of defensiveness do you recognize within yourself: denying responsibility,
making excuses, disagreeing with what you imagine your partner will say,
playing one-upmanship with complaints, saying 'yes' followed immediately
with 'but,' repeating yourself, or whining?
In what situations are you triggered into this behavior?
What payoff do you get? IE Do you feel relieved, justified,
vindicated, excused from relating?
With whom have you witnessed this from your childhood? What
characteristics did that person exhibit and what was the outcome?
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is one sure fire way to end the discussion. Unfortunately,
while most men, due to their upbringing, see this as the safest retreat to keep
everything intact; most women, also due to their upbringing, see this as a great
and personal insult.
Many times when the four horsemen are rampaging through a relationship, the
fight or flight reflex is alive and well. For men, their heart rate
jumps when criticism appears on the scene. For women, it is when
contempt appears. If the heart rate is up and the blood is pumping and
the biological defense mechanism remains triggered without some form of
connection or repair, the intensity becomes too great to continue without some
form of physical expression. Stonewalling is often resorted to simply to
'walk away' from a situation that could get exponentially worse.
Intentions and Possibilities
If you or your partner have resorted to stonewalling in the past, what would you
like to have happen in the future?
How tolerant are you of stonewalling?
Challenges and Growth Opportunities
If you or your partner have resorted to stonewalling, how quickly do you
do so?
How do you respond to when you are stonewalling your partner?
How do you respond when your partner is stonewalling you?
Where have you witnessed this before? What were the characteristics
of the people involved and what was the outcome of the stonewalling?
